Lit Agents (1 Viewer)

Wondering if anyone can point me to a lit agent in LA who who handles screenplays and the secretary doesnt moonlight as the cleaner.

Thanks in advance
 

mjp

Founding member
...a lit agent in LA who who handles screenplays and the secretary doesnt moonlight as the cleaner.
Because you, as an unknown (and almost certainly awful), screenwriter deserve so much better, right?

You should have a literary agent who is really a janitor. That way he can pull some strings and get you a real job. Use some common sense, man.
 
mjp just another useless turd with nothing good to say hiding behind a website pretending to be someone with the wit of dried dogcrap, if you want to say something say it to a guys face like a man otherwise keep your little turd thoughts to yourself pissant.
 

bospress.net

www.bospress.net
mjp just another useless turd with nothing good to say hiding behind a website pretending to be someone with the wit of dried dogcrap, if you want to say something say it to a guys face like a man otherwise keep your little turd thoughts to yourself pissant.

Do you use correct punctuation when you write your screenplays, It makes it tough to understand what you are writing when you drop punctuation and use it incorrectly? Commas where there should be periods, missing commas. etc. etc!

Maybe take a class, first and then try to get an agent my friend,

Best:
Bill
 

mjp

Founding member
Now you've gone and hurt my feelings. And here I am just trying to help!

Trying to help myself, that is.

Because the fact is if you do manage to get here somehow with thirty dollars in your pocket and all your brilliant screenplays under your arm, nothing will happen for you, and then you're going to have to try to find a waiter job somewhere. But waiter jobs are hard to come by because the other 150,000 talented screenwriters in town already have that market cornered, so you'll end up on food stamps (which I'll pay for), or breaking into my car to steal the radio so you can pay for more copies of your brilliant screenplays at Kinko's, and then I'll have to file an insurance claim and the economy will suffer.

So really, I am only looking out for the interests of the entire country when I say, stay away.

Or at least come here to be a rock star. There are still thousands of young girls who will buy you groceries, cosmetics and hair dye while you wait for your big break. They don't do that for wannabe screenwriters, trust me.

You should be thanking me for saving your life. But I'm glad to be of service. No charge for the first consultation. If anyone else wants any career advice or motivational inspiration, I'm always happy to oblige. I'm selfless like that.
 

d gray

tried to do his best but could not
Founding member
of all the terms used to describe you around here i'm amazed you've
yet to be called "benevolent"
i'm honored to be the first. and surely not the last. sainthood awaits...
 

mjp

Founding member
Yes! Genital warts are caused by underestimation of potential. So here's what I advise my clients who are in your embarrassing position to do; every morning, say to yourself: "Today I will rule the world. Today I will be emperor of everything I see."

Keep repeating that while you have your breakfast, and periodically throughout the day. You will find that you reach your full potential in a shockingly brief period of time, and as a side effect, the warts will be gone in a week.

Next...
 

number6horse

okyoutwopixiesoutyougo
Dear mjp,

I am a thrill-seeker in need of my next fix. Do you recommend walking through rush-hour traffic blindfolded while masturbating or dancing on 30th-story construction scaffolding in high-winds ? I'm also an aspiring screenwriter if that helps.....

Thanks
 

mjp

Founding member
dear mjp,

i keep hearing that "everybody gota die someday." How can I make sure that it is not me?
Great question!

Dying is caused by the lack of living. What I advise my clients to do is get up out of bed each and every morning - without fail! - and to avoid dying throughout the day.

Those, my friend, are the keys to a long and happy life.

Dear mjp,

I am a thrill-seeker in need of my next fix. Do you recommend walking through rush-hour traffic blindfolded while masturbating or dancing on 30th-story construction scaffolding in high-winds ? I'm also an aspiring screenwriter if that helps.....
Wow! If I had a nickel for every time I've answered this one!

Definitely the 30th floor, my friend. Heights are frightening. Masturbating in public is hardly thrilling. It's unlikely you will even be noticed.

But the 30th floor of a skeletal building, in high winds no less, is a sure recipe for abject terror and involuntary urination.

Seize the day!
 
can I ask what lever of retardation are you? only the mediocre have to put other people down to feel good. what sort infantile moron would write crap about someone they've never met or read anything about.

mjp Ive seen your photo and you not only write stupid but you look stupid. whats with the fingerpainting on your website do you have the intelligence level of a 5 year old?

1 imbecile + bad clothes + bad hair doesnt equal an artist

I feel sorry for famous people because they have all these hangers on attaching themselves like fleas to them even when their dead

getting a life is probably above some people so keep on pretending my only regret is that you use up the oxygen a normal person could use
 

Gerard K H Love

Appreciate your friends
Hey, M.shine, You should read a lot more of this massive forum before you get sucked into thinking anyone is retarded in here. MJP can be a bit abrasive but only for your own good. If I knew a great agent why would I give him to you? You can't take any criticism or at least not much and you are a complete unknown. How are we supposed to know how talented you are based on how little you have said so far?
Did I miss a link to your fabulous blog or a fantastic web page that can identify your brilliance? I'm sure you are a nice guy. At least you are sensitive, but don't let MJP bother you. Do some reading get to see just how brilliant and silly we are.
 

chronic

old and in the way
What I'm wondering is why you chose this forum to ask this question in the first place. Why didn't you ask it in a Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus forum instead? I mean, does this look like a wannabe screenwriter forum to you for some reason? Really... and I'm not being sarcastic... I really would like to know.
 

hoochmonkey9

Art should be its own hammer.
Moderator
Founding member
mjp

1 imbecile + bad clothes + bad hair doesnt equal an artist

mjp, if I've told you this once, I've told you a hundred times: embrace your inner imbecile, get your ass to H&M and a salon for a nice coif. poof! instant wannabe Hollywood screenwriter!

I know what I'm talking about, I saw an episode of Entourage once. the one where Vince was boring and the other guys were annoying. did you see that one? there was a cameo by a pretty actress...someone got laid...yeah, Hollywood's awesome.
 

LickTheStar

Sad Flower in the Sand
only the mediocre have to put other people down to feel good. what sort infantile moron would write crap about someone they've never met or read anything about.

Wait for it...

mjp Ive seen your photo and you not only write stupid but you look stupid. whats with the fingerpainting on your website do you have the intelligence level of a 5 year old?

1 imbecile + bad clothes + bad hair doesnt equal an artist

I think you've answered your own question.

Best of luck with the writing career. You've already got the attitude ready to go, especially for L.A. (however you'd fit in most anywhere here in America).
 

anais ninja

Fast like a marsupial
can I ask what lever of retardation are you? only the mediocre have to put other people down to feel good. what sort infantile moron would write crap about someone they've never met or read anything about. {no question mark}

mjp Ive seen your photo and you not only write stupid but you look stupid. whats with the fingerpainting on your website do you have the intelligence level of a 5 year old?

1 imbecile + bad clothes + bad hair doesnt equal an artist

I feel sorry for famous people because they have all these hangers on attaching themselves like fleas to them even when their dead

getting a life is probably above some people so keep on pretending my only regret is that you use up the oxygen a normal person could use

So, this is what we know:
Moonshine is allergic to apostrophes.
Commas are apparently not for screenwriters.
"How To Properly Insult Someone" was not taught at Moonshine's high school.
Their, there, and they're is very confusing.
Punctuation is best when sporadic, random and inconsistent.
The "r" is right next to the "l" on Moonshine's keyboard, must be one of those new QWERLTY keyboards the techies are all raving about.

Oh, and that Moonshine will never sell a screenplay. But, that was a given so it probably doesn't need to be mentioned.
 

jordan

lothario speedwagon
i was going to do a quote-snip-quote job on the whole "people who insult others are losers" meandering its way into a barrage of insults on mjp's website, poetry, and art... but then i realized that there's no space in between them!

this guy is so awesome... i hope he keeps posting, since it's been a while since we've had someone this deranged join the forum.
 

bospress.net

www.bospress.net
I think that he is thinking of closing his Flea Market in rural Oregon and moving to L.A..

Stay tuned for Bug Death; the Musical.

and remember, "everybody gota die someday"

Bill
 

bospress.net

www.bospress.net
How will we ever continue without you and your insightful posts?

Maybe you should post on that site. Dickie seems to need friends and you have something in common with him. Tell Dickie that we all said "Howdy"

Have fun.

Bill
 
I love threads like this :D
I don't fancy their chances in Hollywood if this is how they react to criticism though.
 
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bospress.net

www.bospress.net
yeah, true. Someone with that a thin skin will get eaten alive when he finds out what he has to do to get a job in the business.....
 

Gerard K H Love

Appreciate your friends
Moonshine is now going to become a literary agent specializing in trans gender mentally challenged corgi lovers who write stories about kittens.


Seriously, it looks as though a few people got to the lever of over reacting. I hope we all become friends.
 

funny:
mjp looks a little bit like Rasputin on that one:

mjp2-150x150.jpg
 
I wrote a screenplay about an H&M employee who's not sure if she's a lesbian and her "boyfriend" picked up a homeless dog and named him Goebbels, man that freaking funny movie will make me rich and famous.
 

mjp

Founding member
mjp looks a little bit like Rasputin...
Indeed, the similarities are astounding. We were both falsely accused of heresy, and both have a way with the ladies, due to our magnetism and obvious and overwhelming handsomeness.

Dickie Richards wants to murder me over a 10 year old email, which is similar to how Rasputin came to an end, only without the email. The major difference is that everyone would know that Richards did me in. Rasputin's killer is still at large. I think he's living in Costa Rica with Hitler.
 

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